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20121130
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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 74 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Nov 6, 2012 1:00pm PST
will be joining us on the show. [cheering and applause] and then tomorrow night it's president barack obama. but still... [laughter] these people get to... [cheering and applause] nate silver, the president of statistician-stan. as you know, last night the presidential cam pan headed to hofstra university where the candidates debated from a diverse crowd hard of long islanders ranging from italian guys to other italian guys to a jewish guy and his mom. [laughter] such diversity in long island. the first question somehow ended up on the auto industry rescue. >> i know you keep saying, you want to take detroit bankrupt. well, the president took detroit bankrupt. you took general motors bankrupt. you took chrysler bankrupt. that was pre-sizely what i recommended and ultimately what happened. >> jon: okay. in fact, obama's publicly financed detroit auto industry managed bankruptcy is not precisely what romney recommended. romney precisely recommended private credit, which at the time was to be precise non-existent. meaning under his plan detroit's bankruptcy would have been unmanaged and quite
Comedy Central
Nov 6, 2012 2:00pm PST
obama and mitt romney. to topic, foreign policy. bad news for president obama because -- >> in the history of presidents of the united states, he's our worst at foreign policy. >> this is a very weak ill-conceived foreign policy. every place you look is failure. >> the jimmy carter years look like the good old days compared to where we are right now. >> the president has communicated weakness. >> jon: weakness in foreign policy! obama is weaker than coolidge in foreign policy! weaker than polk! weaker than president flinchington j. craphispants. (laughter) as you know, the only president in united states history who ever had his wallet stolen by a baby. (laughter) you don't hear as much about old president craphispants. (laughter) but given obama's foreign policy record, this debate is going to be a bloodbath. >> i congratulate him on taking out osama bin laden. drones are being used in drone strikes and i support that entirely. and feel the president was right. i want to underscore the same point the president made. i felt the same as the president did. i supported hi
Comedy Central
Nov 8, 2012 10:00am PST
, president barack obama not just re-elected but seemingly given fresh batteries. >> we remain more than a collection of red states and blue states. ry are and forever will be the united states of america. and together, with your help, and god's grace, we will continue our journey forward. ( laughter ). >> jon: so that's all it took for to you get back in the groove was the fact that you never have to run for president again? ( laughter ) that's all it took? ( cheers and applause ) of course, on the other side, governor mitt romney broke the bad news to his supporters before reluctantly being asked to pose for his family's yearly christmas card. ( laughter ). that is a good-looking bunch. it's like they-- the people that came in the frames. across the nation, the people spoke, legalizing gay marriage in maine and maryland. legalizing marijuana in washington state, and colorado-- ( cheers and applause ) gay marriage... nothing. ( laughter ). marijuana... bat ( bleep ) crazy. they also legal ides dancing in that town in "footloose." i probably should have looked that up. wisconsin elected
Comedy Central
Nov 6, 2012 10:00am PST
to mitt romney in his crucial hour. will you not silence me, invisible barack obama. (laughter) i am going to tell you something, back where we work at the daily show on the west side of he'll kitchen in new york city, you don't have to go far to see an old man yelling at an inanimate object. (laughter) but rarely is that object on stage at a national political convention. and almost never is that old man oscar winner clint eastwood. (applause) not that romney didn't get a chance to-- you know, i think he talked too. >> we americans have always felt a special kinship with the future. >> jon: yes, yes, we americans uniquely among earth's people, move forward in time. look, i don't-- (laughter) i don't care how many marco's rubio you put in between clint eastwood and mitt romney, romney ain't outshining this little playlet i like to call the old man and the seat. and here's why-- (laughter) it hurts-- here's why it hurts. it hurt these republicans bad because this convention like all conventions is a scripted and focused group fantasy and the display of eastwood's gran torino id was the very
Comedy Central
Nov 6, 2012 12:00pm PST
americans together in agreement. >> president obama took a shell acting. >> he was not properly prepared for this. >> the president didn't bring his a game. >> he was just so dull. >> he looked tired to me. >> romney won hands down. >> he was very, very bad last night. >> jon: there is no red america there is no blue america there is only the america that can't believe how bad this guy did in the debate. how bad was the defeat o bama lost despite mitt romney doing this. >> i'm sorry, i will stop the sub sid to pgs. i like big board, i like few, but i'm not going to keep on spending money on things to borrow money from china to pay for it. >> jon: mother [bleep] fired big board. america's favorite nonfried bird. he fired big board and won. beloved children's character. romney could have water boarded aladdin, put down blue, deported dora the explorer. and still won walking away. romney won with the sound up. >> your title of the president of your own airplane, house and facts. >> jon: romney won with the sound off. dude, he's yelling at you. look up. look up! what are you looking at? what
Comedy Central
Nov 7, 2012 7:30pm PST
, the election is too close to call. anything can happen. romney could win, obama could win, and that's it. those two. but it could be a very long night and we will be live for as long as it takes, as long as it takes is the next half hour. you got to be done before the election special, which is a video of a go getting nailed in the crotch by a pumpkin. ( laughter ) that was called an october surprise. i'm being handed a piece of paper, and it is a napkin. this is blank. no wait, it's, wait, it is a tear stained napkin. this is a napkin soaked with liberal tears. that can mean only one thing. ladies and gentlemen, the colbert report is ready to project that cnn has projected that animal planet has predicted that the winner of the 2012 presidential election is barack obama. ( crowd cheering ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yes, ladies and gentlemen. yes, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. i did read that well. america has elected its first black president for an historic first second time. ( laughter ) of course obama... of course let's remember, obama is only half black. it is possible in his
Comedy Central
Nov 12, 2012 7:00pm PST
which as you know is a great state named after the great pendulum has gone most supporting barack obama. [crowd cheering] >> jon: the electoral vote. obviously that was a state that mitt romney at the very end made a play for, but the amish don't play that. good news from mitt romney he has won tonight making announcements right now most of the confederacy. he's the winner there. a lot of the electoral votes. michigan, 15 electoral votes it's mitt romney's, one of mitt romney's home states. most presings reporting, we're going to call that for barack obama. [crowd cheering] it's a shame that that car pulled out right by that. we've got an interesting senate race to report. there's a lot of attention on this race in massachusetts. there was a yuk ma young man nad scott brown versus a gentlewoman named elizabeth warren, she has won the senate race. [crowd cheering] oh. going overboard buy his own tea partyers. right now the big state we're looking at is ohio because it's really the only state we've ever been looking at. and florida is, and again we are live so i don't know if this is oka
Comedy Central
Nov 13, 2012 11:00pm PST
to be joining us later. it was just one week ago tonight that barack obama won reelection to the presidency ending a heated political campaign and hopefully setting the stage for the healing that this country so desperately needs. >> the white house has received online petitions from not so proud americans in 20 states who would like to secede from the union. (laughter) wait! i'm not sure exactly which 20 states those are or which people in those 20 state bus i think i can best express how i feel about these states and people in the word of the great william wonka. >> (flatly) stop, don't, come back. (cheers and applause) >> jon: at least now i'm beginning to understand why southern states were so hesitant to get rid of the confederate flag. it's like keeping your fat pants after you lose some weight. (laughter) you're happy for now with the new you but pretty soon you're going to need those fat pants again. there's pizza in staten island and -- i'm not surprised. we were warned reelect that obama would have dire consequences for our union, for our standing in the world, and retail! >> west
Comedy Central
Nov 29, 2012 11:00pm PST
, and there is a tiger. (laughter) hey, quick, off the top, you remember that contest, the obama campaign had, you donate and you might win lunch with the president? (laughter) you are not going to believe who won! (laughter) >> president barack obama, mitt romney just wrached up lunch in the private dining room at the white house. >> jon: i can't believe it-- mitt romney, the guy is just lucky! he probably barely donated much money at all but he still got-- (laughter) the event was actually closed to cameras but we do have footage of governor romney arriving at the white house. i believe that is him there and then he's getting out and then-- (laughter) that's-- campaign is over. so he doesn't have to pre-- pretend any more. can wear that serengeti lion sash he hadn't been wearing. by the way, obama couldn't have met the guy in a restaurant? had to make him come to the white house? that's some cold brew. hey, romney, what's up, man, hey, sn it funny, you almost lived here. yeah, this was almost your place, 3 million bus, you know what i mean? oh you worked so hard for seven years and-- you were just abou
Comedy Central
Nov 14, 2012 7:30pm PST
. there's pizza in staten island and -- i'm not surprised. we were warned reelect that obama would have dire consequences for our union, for our standing in the world, and retail! >> west gate resort c.e.o. david siegel e-mailed his employees and said he would have no choice but to fire people if president obama is reelected and his personal income tax rates go up. robert murray, c.e.o. of murray energy sent a letter to his employees hectoring them to donate to the company's political action committee telling them if they did not "the coal industry will be eliminated and so will your jobs." >> jon: well, guess what? those people were right. despite no objective change in who's running the country or the situation the country is in, c.e.o.s are taking action. like coal magnate robert murray who said he would have to fire people if obama won and then fired people while they were still counting florida. who would have thought? (laughter) a prophecy fulfilled by the professor seer. like a weather man forecasting scattered showers and then running up on the roof and peeing on people. (laught
Comedy Central
Nov 6, 2012 1:00am PST
- no, no, i wouldn't say that.o, no, i it's just, maybe...s just maybe obama will be all right.be obama - [groaning] oh, ow. ow. hey, where are my pants?where - where's our tv? where are my pants, and where's my tv? - dad, your boss called. he he said you're fired.d - ugh-- god dammit! obama said things would be different!ld be d that son of a bitch lied to us!ied to i knew i should have voted for mccain! have ragh! captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey, welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. we have a good one tonight. our guest journalist martha raddatz will be here, moderator and the winner of this year's vice presidential debate. a very rough weekend in the tri-state area. i'm sure by now you've all seen pictures of the damage. here's something you might want to look at. these are marathon runners who channeled their disappointment in the cancellation of the marathon into v
Comedy Central
Oct 31, 2012 7:30pm PDT
britney spears, barack obama is saying to the electorate, hit me baby, one more time. (laughter) whereas mitt romney is perhaps suggesting, i'm a genie in a bottle. (laughter) really, they're not sung by the same person, are you sure? no, they are sung by the wonders that judge on the talent show. there's two music talent shows? i have got to get myself a zune. (laughter) what are we talking about? oh, yeah, mitt romney's closing arguments. >> the government of the united states is not a good venture capitalists, he likes to pick winners and losers, about $90 billion in green energy companies like solyndra and tess la a friend of mine says he doesn't mind picking winners and losers, he likes picking losers. >> half of them, the ones invested in have gone out of business. >> jon: holy crap! is that true, half? 63 energy companies got significant federal stimulus money and three and a half years later five have gone bankrupt. so that is half, 50%, that's amazing. that's-- what? oh, that's not the same number, hold on-- oh, it's actually 8%, man. i really have to get a zune. (laughter) and
Comedy Central
Nov 8, 2012 11:00pm PST
-xup >> jon: welcome back. tuesday night, election night. big victory for president obama. for more on the ramification for election night we turn to john oliver. >> thank you, jon, thank you. (cheers and applause) >> i think everyone watching tuesday night can agree on one thing, the president [bleep] up, jon. i mean he [bleep] up. (laughter) >> jon: that's your-- what are you telling, he was re-elected. >> exactly. you think he was expecting that? of course not. 16 trillion dollars in debt. 7.9% unemployment, i'm sure he wanted no part of that [bleep] pie. in fact, i'm even more sure that obama was looking forward to watching president romney having to choke it down for him. >> jon: you're telling me obama was planning to lose to romney. >> i don't know about planning to lose but he was sure as hell trying to, two words, jon, first debate. two more, in denver. they provide some contest to the first two words. >> jon: you are saying obama took a dive. >> of course he took a dive, of course he did. >> jon: in denver he took a dive you're saying he took a dive. >> exactly we said it
Comedy Central
Nov 5, 2012 11:00pm PST
and applause ) voting is the best revenge. >> president obama asked his supporters to vote for revenge. >> crowd: boo! instead i ask the american people to vote for love of country. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: i want this over! i don't know if it's that comment or maybe this is the milk i drank from a bodego that lost power during the blackout but i just threw up in my mouth a little bit. if the american people can really vote for revenge or love of country, they'd be kicking both your asses in the polls. for more on the campaign closing hours let's go to jessica williams and aasif mandvi. they are with the candidates right now. jessica, you're at obama's final rally in des moines >> the mood here is positively electric. j-z is killing it. and since this is iowa, they think he's actually talking about cheese. which they really like so it's a very positive message. >> jon: thank you very much. aasif mandvi you're with the romney campaign in manchester new hampshire >> that's right, jon. different feeling here. romney is talking about the consequences of re-electing obama: high unemp
Comedy Central
Nov 15, 2012 11:00pm PST
disappointment, barack obama was able to pick up four more percent of real america giving him the victory. of course romney walked back his 47% statement. >> in this case i said something that was just completely wrong, and i absolutely believe, however, that my life has shown that i care about 100%, and-- and that's been demonstrated throughout my life. >> jon: i believe him. ( laughter ) there's something about a man standing in front of a perfectly pressed flag and the world's cleanest indoor tractor that says, "i'm the real deal." laughed laug ( laughter ) you can imagine my surprise when this man, so unfairly character turd, by his own words, as an out-of-touch plutocrat yesterday blamed his campaign loss on leaches. >> what the president's campaign did was focus on certain members of his base coalition, give them extraordinary financial gifts from the government, and then work very aggressively to turn them out to vote. ( laughter ) >> jon: how on earth did mitt romney find out about the extraordinary bag of gifts? ( cheers and applause ) that we got. and this. oh, what did obama
Comedy Central
Nov 6, 2012 11:00am PST
of united states barack obama is on the film the new star of here comes the boom. listen, the election is in three weeks and in key emerging demographic this time around are a group. i hope i'm pronouncing this right, women. they have concerns. >> there were a lot of women. abortion, contraception, women's pay as i mentioned -- some might argue was obvious pa obvious pa women >> jon: to discuss issues they think about? but not that it mattered anyway because apparently during the debate the ladies had already left the building. >> it was just too much to talk like two roosters going at each other. it can turn off women. >> one thing women voters don't like is an a bully. >> a turn-off for women. >> i'm not sure they'll be turned on by this debate. >> lots of women turn off. >> i'm wondering if suburban women were turned off. [laughter] >> jon: not that that's a bad thing because as far as i can tell they've been a little hopped up on this thing. [laughter] way too long. for on women's reaction i'm joined by senior debate analyst, samantha bee. you saw it and watched tuesday night. what
Comedy Central
Oct 31, 2012 11:00pm PDT
the next 18 days! >> jon: obama couldn't find a stack of old newspapers in an episode of "hoarders" i'm telling you. this guy couldn't find a container at the container store, i'm telling you. obama couldn't lead a bunch of eels to the sargasso sea-- their natural spawning grounds. (laughter) so, you know, look it up. but that was, of course, when america was still living in a pre9 '11 storm surge mentality. >> i want to thank the president personally for his personal attention to this he accelerated the major disaster declaration for new jersey without the usual red tape. the cooperation from the president of the united states has been outstanding. the president has been all over this and he deserves great credit. >> jon: yeah, i guess he found that (bleep)ing light switch, huh? (cheers and applause) great credit -- to his great credit tkorb his great credit, chris christie realized the storm was real and that he had a job to do as governor so it was time to slalom down bull (bleep) mountain and deal with this obama, not this obama. (laughter) not everybody got the memo. >> over the
Comedy Central
Nov 2, 2012 10:00am PDT
's called. >> obama took gm and chrysler into bankruptcy and sold chrysler to italians who are going to build jeeps in china. (laughter) >> jon: sold chrysler to italians what, we're afraid of italians now? >> if obama wins, it will be the pope deciding what you drive. (laughter) one day they're ruining our car companies, the next day they'll be kissing our daughters with their garlicky lips. (laughter) by the way, apparently the classic italians are going to move american jeeps making jobs to china. why you say these things, mitt romney. kuz now i gotta makea the nice people of ohio say another ad saying that's [bleep]. >> after romney's false claim of jeep outsourcing to china chrysler itself has refuted romney's lie. >> jon: how out there is mitt romney, i a car company, the people who convince you you need the undercoating are coming after him for his dishonesty. (laughter) you might say well hey, why don't they just turn off the tv and leave the house and live their life. >> because you can't hide, because the candidates are [bleep] everywhere. >> it's goods nobody toldo, ohio.
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 74 (some duplicates have been removed)